How To Maintain Curiosity In Marriage

Article by: Peter Mugi Kuruga - Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist.

Importance of Curiosity in Marriage

Curiosity is what keeps us inquiring about something. When we’re curious we want to know more and don’t assume we’ve discovered all there is to know. Curiosity kills such assumptions.

A child is naturally curious. It teaches them how to talk, walk and explore the world around them. It is a healthy aspect of childhood. A child who is prevented from following their curiosities will be stunted in their growth and knowledge and feel unloved.

In marriage curiosity has a huge impact on the continued growth of a relationship. To be curious means to have an active desire to learn or know. An ACTIVE desire to learn more about our spouse. Most couples begin with lots of curiosity. We can’t get enough of each other and when we are together, we talk incessantly. Once married and the burden of careers and parenting take over, we forget to make this a priority. As a result, we no longer seek to know more. Life is too busy to be curious.

So, how do we maintain this curiosity in marriage? I believe it begins with listening well to our spouse. Most times it’s a spontaneous conversation about something they did, read or heard. You may or may not be ready for this conversation, but there it is. You have a choice to make—put the phone or whatever you’re doing aside and listen.

 Find out what has excited your spouse enough to tell you what they’re thinking. Ask more questions.

 Also, realize that your questions may help them understand themselves more too.
Don’t assume they’re telling you the whole story at first.

 See this experience as a curiosity worth the detour, rather than an interruption from your own schedule.

 Doing this will benefit your marriage in ways that may surprise you.

Our spouse should be our highest priority, even over the kids. One day our children will grow up and move away to live their own lives. You don’t want to realize how much your spouse has changed because you failed to be curious about the changes as they were happening. That’s because we all change through the years. What we once loved may no longer be our favourite.

Do you know how your spouse is changing? Being curious will help you stay current with all the changes.
“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” (Walt Disney)

Look back on your marriage 5, 10 or 15 years ago. What were you like then? How much have you grown and changed? Imagine the next 10 years. Where do you want your marriage to be? Let curiosity be the fuel that gets you there.

In line with this, below are a few questions you can ask each other:
• What do I do that makes you smile?
• What is your favorite time of the day? And why is it your favorite?
• What was different about your family as a kid as compared to other families?
• What do you like most about our home?
• Where is your dream vacation if money weren’t an issue?
• What are our strengths together as a couple?
• What is your favorite romantic memory we’ve made together?
• What is different or unique about our marriage from those around us?
• What do you think God is doing in our marriage right now?
• How can I pray for you?

“A common mistake is to stop focusing on the discovery of yourself and your spouse over time. Both a man and woman, if they want their love to last and to grow, must take responsibility for and intentionally focus on this discovery. If they do, the emotion and adventure that drives a new relationship will characterize theirs as well—only with the added treasure of the trust and safety of a more mature relationship.” (Rowan & Mara Fraser)

It’s important to keep discovering things about each other. And as you apply yourself to do so: “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)

Peter Mugi Kuruga
Dip.,, M.A., Ph.D. (Ongoing).
Counseling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist


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